Ghostwalker

2011-12-06T12:59:00.002-10:00

pure

a pure heart, your heart, mine
love desired, we had never received
acceptance, belonging
simple desires, human need
this treasure found
through fear and doubt
two hearts reach out

so precious, our dream
my heart yours, our spirits speak
through darkness, soft touch felt
I cannot see, yet know
you're here with me
this touch, your hand in mine
my soul grows strong
for with you
I belong

Shades of Gray

2010-10-13T15:31:00.005-10:00

~ once ~ she saw the world in black and white ~ now ~ only shades of gray ~

certainty. right wrong. black white ... nothing stood between.

of this, she was sure.

truth paramount. morals unbending. excuses unaccepted. above all, principles of utmost importance.

words uttered by her " there ARE no gray areas.. only black and white"

the only choice was right. living by the strictest of moral codes. expecting nothing less from all around. pursuit of moral perfection .. the only way. no alternatives allowed. no exception to the rule.

this light, that shone in the dark, a guide. belief lead the way. never stray from this lighted path. no other way... no other way

decisions long ago, follow this light, made navigating the path bearable. no matter how dark, there would be no alternatives.

~ ashen dawns ~ granite nights ~ shadow worlds ~ spectral views ~ phantom truth ~ shades of gray ~

yet, the darkness became absolute. illumination was gone. could she be wrong? did forever mean forever? was there ever a time when allowances could be made....

~ ashen dawns. the fire had burned so brightly. the blaze diminished.

~ granite nights. surety struggled in the dark.

~ shadow worlds were birthed.

how could this be? the time to question all beliefs? the core of her existence? how could this be

~ spectral views. what was real? was it only fantasy?

out of the dark ~ she hears ~ his words ~ these words ~ someone is whispering softly to me ~ shadows of things that no one can see ~ they are there if you want them to be ~ you want them to be ~

forever ceased to exist. it had ceased so long ago. only acceptance was left. acceptance came.

~ phantom truths. absolutes gone. surety vanished. certainty elusive.

~ shades of gray. eyes were opened. new truths revealed. there were no absolutes. moral perfection lost. enlightenment gained.

allowances for errors in others. exceptions realized. imperfections in self accepted.

~ shades of gray. illusions dissolved. burdens lifted. peace obtained.

~ once ~ she saw the world in black and white ~ now ~ only shades of gray ~

Heart of a Child

2010-09-03T15:15:00.007-10:00

~ lost and alone ~ crying in darkness ~ heart of a child ~ aged too soon ~ forever searching to fill the loneliness ~

_still she hears his hiss _ no one likes - you - have no friends _ his words relentless_

He was not the first. He was only picking up the weapon that he knew had caused the most damage in her childhood. The weapon he would use, again and again, over the next nineteen years.

Seven years of age, a tiny being, straw haired, pale skinned, fragile. Forever covered in bruises and scrapes from her adventures in trees and mud puddles. Ahead of her peers in mind and thought. Behind her peers in heart and soul. Innocence of spirit.

First, as this child, hearing the words... They do not like you. They like her. He does not like you. He likes her. They do not like you. They do not like you. They do not like you. They like her.

~ lost and alone ~

She in her naivete, believes. "I am a burden, unlikeable. I am a burden, a disappointment... a burden." What had she done. Why was she so hated? Where in her did these terrible flaws reside?

~ crying in darkness ~

These words, crushed her spirit. Her escape.. going outside, crawling into a box and hiding. Maybe they'll fear something has happened. They'll begin looking. No one came.

She lay in the dark., thoughts not those of a child, of a seven year old. Imagination at work in this darkness, pretending death, seeing them love her, miss her, want her.. at last.

~ heart of a child ~

Time passed, yet innocence remained. It remained until that day, the day an older acquaintance took the unforgivable step with a twelve year old. Not completely understanding what was happening, she accepts.

~ aged too soon ~

The erosion of innocence begins. The keeping of secrets began. As this dark year passed, she changed, becoming a different person than she would've otherwise been. Even more isolated from those around. Anger filled her. Her motto became, " Reject or be rejected", not understanding that these words would follow her the rest of her life. The rest of her days would be spent alienating all.

~ forever searching to fill the loneliness ~

After a year, the cause for pain ended, only too late. In pushing everyone away, the sentiment had become mutual between all concerned. The isolation and alienation.. full circle.... complete. That was "okay" to her. She ... didn't want them, she didn't need them... ~ innocence lost ~

As her teen years progressed, someone, still much older, came into her life. Compounding the mistakes already made in her short life, she marries him. She didn't realize that this action would lead to a nineteen year nightmare.

"Loneliness filled" became an epic of loneliness. Unending days of separation from society, much of it self imposed, yet encouraged by him. Enforced by his words, "You have no friends" keeping her in an invisible cage. This enabled him to keep her in place. Angry and defensive, it was easy for him to manipulate her emotions.

In spite of this, her heart began to soften, as the years passed. This served to make the rejection by them, by him, harder to bear. Still, the softening of her heart continued. She began to question the words that played in her heart. Surely, there was worth. Somewhere within her was something of value. Something, someone would want.

Trusting no one, she remained alone, even surrounded by others... alone.. Never finding a place to fit in, never belonging.. She continued to reject before the rejection she knew was coming could take place. Coming to realize, she did not know how to belong. It would forever be "Reject or be rejected".

Anyone who seemed interested in being a friend would eventually turn on her, once they realized what she was .. a burden, a disappointment. A friend came into her life, a friend that believed. How could he? She set out to let him know.. to know what she was... a bitch. She had been told. He called her kind, sweet, gentle. NO, she insisted. These are all weaknesses. I am not such. Repeatedly, she violently knocks away the hand that was offered. She feels safe again. Pain is a safe place. For at least in this place, there is no uncertainty.

The battle between heart and mind continues.

_ still she hears his hiss_ no one likes - you - have no friends_the words relentless

~ lost and alone ~ crying in darkness ~ heart of a child ~ aged too soon ~ forever searching to fill the loneliness ~

Hopeless to Hope

2010-08-07T15:26:00.002-10:00

Hope

Their union, so many years ago, born with such hope. Heart of love, living on a dream. Cause for anguish became apparent early in their relationship. Of course, it would only happen once, she told herself. The resulting damage, overlooked, this time. If only she knew, it was just beginning.

Faith

Soon enough, the transition into an adult began. As months became years, hope became faith. Faith of a teen mother. Her family would be saved. All she must do is believe. Ignore the fear. Fight the despair. Blind faith carried her forward.. for she loved him.

Love

Her only weapon in this battle was love. The onslaught to her spirit, the spirit that would become her ghost. Her ghost, the harbor for the pain.. the physical pain, the emotional pain. His words causing the most suffering. For the body heals much faster than the soul. Her love would be able to mend these faults within him, the scars within her, as well as the scars upon her. No matter what lie ahead, she could endure.. for love.

Patience

The race became a marathon, endurance the key. Searching for an answer to this mystery.. why she was so hated. Understanding became the next move in this horrific game, understanding him. Finally, the uncovering of betrayal, many a betrayal by him, destroyed what remained of her heart. Heartbreak upon heartbreak, pain ever present. Her world.. a haunted place.

Despair

In that last year, hope faded, faith dissolved, love lost.. despair took their place. She existed, only. Each day, a struggle to face. Her childhood gone, her passion gone, her innocence gone, her desire to go on gone. Hope.... gone.

Hopeless

All was lost. Unable to escape this hell. Doubt, fear, self loathing immobilized her. Her only escape from this hell.. a place to read of others speaking of "normal" lives. In time, she began to write her thoughts. Left in a place for the world to see, a place where she would never hear, "If you talked about things I cared about, I would listen". If rejected, she would never know.
Unknown to her, someone was watching, waiting for what she shared next. Someone felt loneliness in her words. Words such as ~ Naked strength ~ baring all ~ stark beauty ~ vulnerable ~ stands the winter tree ~

~ how did he know ~ how did he know ~ my heart so well hidden ~ he knew ~

This kindred spirit reached out. This spirit, wanting to heal the pain, to become a friend. In the darkest recesses of her was revealed her spirit. Not gone, only in hiding. He coaxed her out, tenderly touching the deepest scars and the wounds still fresh. Belief shone a light into her. This belief gave courage, this courage gave strength, the strength to escape this hell. A spirit, a life on the edge of death, was reborn. Though struggles may come, battles yet to face.. with this best friend, this healer, hope and faith has returned.

Hopeless to Hope

The Last Day

2010-04-26T15:15:00.002-10:00

It started with one last attempt. So wanting the man whom I had given my life to, since I was a child, a teen... to know me. In my heart, I knew it would be to no avail, a useless endeavor. I wanted him to see what others saw, what ~HE~ saw. Not ~ if you talked about things I cared about, then I would listen~ , but ~ You see the world in ways most of us can only dream ~
How could this man that I had seen daily for nineteen years not know me as well as ~HE~ had in such a short time. My eyes had only recently been opened, my ghost begun only two weeks earlier.

I start hesitantly, because I fear it will end in disaster. I calmly begin to explain that I would like for him to understand who I really am. Rapidly, it spirals out of control. The tirade begins, the yelling commences. I realize quickly that I have made a mistake. I try to end the conversation immediately. This only further angers him. It ends in him storming away, hurling insults over his shoulder.
I sit and stare blindly. After a time, I decide to go for a drive to calm. This was my second mistake. For when I get back, he is infuriated at my leaving. In a rage, he screams, degrades me, "Troublemaker, why can't you just shut the hell up, bitch"
Following me through the house, as I try to avoid the barrage. As I walk into our bedroom, I hear what sounds like an explosion. The door that I had just came through flies past me landing on the bed.
Without a flinch, I turn to him. He grabs a gun that had been leaning against the wall. I can only assume it is still not loaded. At this point, I don't care. I stare blankly as he rages and spit sprays from his mouth.
I've been told by him in calm times that he is afraid that he will kill me one day. Now, my spirit is numb. I feel nothing, I fear nothing. I am dead inside. Real death means nothing to me. In this moment, all that I had been recently told is no longer true. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am no one. Death would be an escape from this hell.
He screams, "Take the anniversary present you were going to give me and shove it up your ass." I feel the vibrations of his powerful voice in waves through the air between us. Towering over me, I know that my life is on the line. Numb, I don't even blink.
I stare into his wild eyes, the same eyes I have previously looked into as they hovered over me as fingers were wrapped around my throat. Still, no fear.
Eventually, he exhausts himself , throws the gun down and storms out the front door. As I hear the car roar away, emotion floods my mind, my body. I sob uncontrollably. I scream, shaking with the fear that had abandoned me only minutes before.
Making a split second decision, I grab my phone. I dial the number that had been given to me. ~HE~ answers. For the first time, ~HE~ hears my voice. The first time he hears me, I am weeping, out of control.
~HE~ listens as I pour out the horror of the last few hours. ~HE~ lets me talk until I have gotten it all out. ~HE~ listens. For the first time in my life, someone listens.

You listen.

She Knew

2010-04-19T03:02:00.002-10:00

Lying in repose,
immersed in shadow,
walking in dreams

Alone,
Dim mountain road,
Trees crowd close,
Casting shadows,
She tilts her head,
Lifting eyes up the steep hill,
As she considers the climb,
She hears a sound,
She senses movement,
It appears,
Straining to top this hill,
A massive truck towering with logs,
The instant her eyes,
Alight on this sight,
She knows,
Fear strikes,
Filling her with terror,
Terror,
Pulse begins to race.
She knows.
Everything in her tells her,
What will happen next,
She turns,
She runs,
For all her life is worth,
She runs,
Wide eyed, panting in terror,
Trying to escape,
What she knows,
She knows.
Picking up speed,
Barreling toward her,
Out of control,
Unimaginable terror,
She hears it looming,
Sees a clearing,
A refuge,
She's not safe yet,
She knows,
Roar fills the air,
Penetrating her mind,
Terror,
All she can do,
To escape what's coming,
Heart feeling,
As if it will explode,
Looking back one last time,
Behind her it tries,
To make the curve,
Massive logs begin to roll,
One after another in slow motion,
Chasing her,
Coming, coming,
Truck begins to tilt,
Following path of destruction,
Landing hard,
Sliding, chasing, chasing,
She can't escape,
Thundering,
Terror,
Flinging herself,
Hoping for a safe place,
In slow motion,
All slides to a stop,
Feet away.

Stepping out of that world,
She awakens with a gasp.
She knew.

His Touch

2010-04-10T16:14:00.004-10:00

I enter utopia, but I am not alone. For I am ready... ready to share paradise. He is with me now. I feel his presence. It soothes me. Holding out his hand, he beckons me. I smile softly and move toward him.

Finding a seat, we marvel at the beauty before us... the beauty in each other. We've anticipated this so. Both understanding what it means to be here together. Knowing why this is to become paradise.

With his first caress, my breath is taken. With his gaze, my heart melts. His touch reaches deeply within my spirit, my ghost. Our hearts beat in tandem. His taste upon my skin... Erotic thrills. My mind races, my body competes. I need him so.

I have allowed him, only him, to reach this place with me ... invading my mind, my soul, my body. His care finding it's way through the rocky places in my heart. We are on an endless journey transcending love.

I feel safe within his embrace. His love has illuminated the darkness. He breathes my name. His soft voice whispers, "My angel". His lips on mine, our bodies intertwined, bring nirvana.

With one last kiss, I open my eyes. I look around, amazed... for I am alone.

Adequate

2010-03-27T09:50:00.007-10:00

inadequate,less than, suboptimal, imperfect, incapable.. no

this gentle man that you offered to me... adequate
the soft soul who cries, who cares... adequate
tender touch lights fires within... adequate
there when I needed a friend... adequate
believes emotion is most important... adequate
showing me what love should be... adequate
who sacrificed for me... adequate
patience given when I lash out in pain... adequate
shares my view of how the world should be... adequate
accepts me as I am... adequate
still believes... adequate
whose steel blue eyes look at me like... adequate
came to me when I was angry... adequate
rushed to me when I was sad... adequate
my white knight... adequate
you call me your Angel... adequate
brought me to life... adequate
shared your secrets with me... adequate
penned most beautiful words to me... adequate
makes me feel that I matter... adequate
you're all I've ever dreamed... adequate
a man should be... adequate

adequate, enough, capable, plentiful...
yes
all I've ever wanted, my love

The Time Has Come

2010-03-11T08:16:00.002-10:00

This day, she and I (ghost) are one and the same. Today's pain is shared. For we both know what has caused it. It is us.
The weakness is us. The failure is in us. For the words from long ago, "You would make anyone miserable", haunt us. How can we believe this? How can we not?
~letdown encumbrance albatross obstacle vexation onus hindrance burden... she. intimate with such labels... hears sees feels is nothing else~
Desperately, reaching out, only to shove away the hand, the love that is offered. Hearing new words, yet disbelieving, unaccepting... emotions at war. The lines between past and present, fact and fiction blur.
Hallowed or hated?
Blessing or bane?
Comfort or curse?
Solace or suffocation?
What are we? How are we to know?
Myself? I've long borne these labels. Hiding them. Protecting her from them. She, on the other hand, has become numb to them. I must stop. For she, trying to heal, to open her heart to love, must face the demons of rejection from her past. In facing these, the weight, the crushing blow may bury her.
"How could they care what I have to say?"
"How could anyone love me?"
"Never enough. Never will be."
She knows what she faces and is terrified. The struggle to believe. To believe in herself. Such love to offer. Such tenderness she longs to give. Yet, such fear to conquer, such darkness to illuminate.
Always~
~On an endless quest for beauty in places that offer no pain~
Now... must open the door to possible pain, must open her mind to beauty. Beauty beyond that of the whisper wind, of the brilliance of a fall leaf, of a solitary path through the woods.. to that of the human spirit, to the love of another.
How can she? I cannot help. I cannot protect her any longer. I ache for her, but that battle is now hers alone...

The Birth of a Ghost

2010-03-06T15:11:00.005-10:00

I (1_ghost_writer) was born for a purpose, unlike anything that I have become. This purpose was to simply give my owner a place to write in a different style. With the first post, the direction of @1_ghost_writer took a decidedly different turn.
It has become a place to tell tales long hidden from public view, even from many close to me. Tales, that in desperation, I would have liked to have confessed to the nearest person that I encountered. I wanted someone to save me. They could not, because I did not. Makeup and an unfailing smile cover much pain.
Pain beginning in childhood, becoming pain in my twelfth year of innocence visited upon me by an acquaintance. Lastly, becoming the pain of losing what was left of my childhood upon marrying an abuser. The next nineteen years became a nightmare. He loved for a day. He hated for a month. Adored by morning, abused by night.
Story after story, tale after tale.. she buried the pain within me. She always looked for the "fix" to it all. If only she did the next thing right, all would be ok. I tried to tell her differently, but was silenced. In many ways, I am the strength and she is the ghost.
At last.. the day came, the person came. She let me speak. With just a whisper, I began. Whispers of horror, whispers of heartbreak. I shared the pain and have yet to stop. Kindness, first, was offered. Next, friendship and a belief in me. Through his eyes, I began to view myself differently.
I am NOT useless, but the magic?
I am NOT boring, but view the world in ways most only dream?
What is this that he speaks?
Am I really worth something to this world? To this person?
I had only recently given up. I WAS worthless. I WAS a failure. I DIDN'T matter.
At this point, @1_ghost_writer was born. With my new found freedom, I took over. In bits and pieces, I am telling my story. With my new found strength, the last day that I was degraded and threatened, I walked away.
NOW, I speak. NOW, I am heard.